They Know Him

Over the last few months I have attempted to write a series of posts regarding hip dysplasia with tips and tricks to help other parents. When I first started down this road with Grace a year ago I couldn't find enough helpful information and would like to share what I learned.

The information on how to change a diaper with a spica cast or what products worked well are relatively easy to write. The problem with delving into this topic is it takes me to a time ridden with guilt. When I reflect on this time I am disappointed with how I handled myself emotionally. I feel as if I should have shown more strength and grace. I should also share that when I talk to my inner circle about these feelings they all think I am being way too hard on myself and that I handled the time just fine.

Around the time Grace was born a few women I know were going through very challenging health situations with their children. The issues vary but each had been in the position to pray not just for their child's healing but for their child's life. The stories these women shared through blogs, Facebook or conversations over our back fence all provided perspective and encouragement. However, in seeing these stories I always felt like my situation didn't even compare to the hardships they faced and yet I could not find calm during my storm.

It wasn't until recently that I had an epiphany about these women. Each of these ladies love God. They walk it, they talk it, and they rely on Him when their personal storms hit. They share a common link even though they do not know each other - they know Him.

I haven't talked about my faith on this blog primarily because I don't want to be judged. I call myself a Christian but struggle with faith. If I had to classify myself I would be a doubting Thomas. I need to put my finger in the nail scarred hands. I struggle with doubt, but I so want there to be a God who loves us. The idea of floating through the world with only human power to guide is scary. During my time of struggle I could not find the peace I saw in these women. I tried to find strength on my own and could not. That kind of peace is only found in the power bigger than ourselves.

Growing up my mom would often tell me, "you never know who is watching and looking up to you." This statement usually came as a counter to my sassy or naughty behavior. I would dismiss my mom's comments because I wasn't the popular girl who influenced others. As usual, my mom was right. I was watching these ladies who didn't even know I was paying attention and finding strength through their example. You never know who is watching and being influenced by your words and actions. Thank you for the faith you each demonstrated. It helped strengthen my own.

In My Pockets

The past weekend brought beautiful warm days before the traditional Colorado spring commenced. Our family spent our days outside playing and working hard to clean up the yard. Thankfully I have outdoor babies and like me they are happiest when the weather allows them to play outside. Of course, they would play outside in ten degrees but their poor mother just can't handle the cold.

 On Sunday after our day slowed down I cleaned out the pockets of my blue jeans. The contents brought a smile.

• 12 dandelions picked by Jack just for me
• a fancy balloon Jack has asked me to blow up 342 times 
• a used Easter sticker Grace had wadded up and put in her mouth
• four pennies I found on the floor and and didn't want to end up in Grace's belly
• sand
• a list for the store that Grace had ripped while she played with it in the cart

These are the joys of motherhood. Pockets full of childhood paraphernalia. 

Bubbles

Spring arrived! Last week Colorado had warm weather for the first time since October and I decided we needed new outdoor supplies. Sidewalk chalk, sand toys and of course BUBBLES. Gracie loves to say the word bubbles and Jack loves to blow bubbles.

Happy Spring! 

Hip Hip Hooray

Last night laying in bed I had a moment of awareness. Over the last few weeks I walked around in a off-putting mood. Yesterday I analyzed, meditated, studied myself. Where is this dark energy rising up from? Where is the source of my discontent?

When I find myself in such a state I tend to beat myself up. "Look around your life silly girl. You have everything you ever wanted. Don't be fretting," I tell myself.

As I dug into my mind, my heart, my darkness; the source rose. Insecurity. What a nasty word. What a nasty way to feel. What a harsh happiness thief.

My insecurity was rooted in the doctor's appointment scheduled for Grace. After three months of wellness we were scheduled for x-rays and an updated prognosis. What if all is not well? Does having everything you ever wanted really count if your child is not well? The answer that I could have never guessed until I became a mom is no.

The often unnoticed terror of insecurity is the seeping within to become all consuming. Suddenly I find myself concerned that strangers I meet for the first time find me offensive. I worry that my house is too dirty or not decorated well enough. I worry that my thighs should be smaller or my children are not well enough behaved. The insecurity slowly creeps around my life, my psyche, until I am swollen with discontent.

For me, the best cure for insecurity is awareness. Once labeled it dissipates. If I can own that my feelings are irrational then I can begin to work through that which really troubles me. In this case I just had to get through a doctor's appointment and accept that I would ultimately be okay regardless of the outcome. The big awareness being that this is really about Grace and not about me.

Today Grace and I went to the orthopedic surgeon and all is well. After one year of being in some sort of device, Grace went to bed tonight without her brace on. Hip Hip Hooray! Her hips look good. No more brace for now. We return in four months for another look. Our next milestone is to see how/if/when she walks and the impact the added pressure of walking will apply to her hips. A little more waiting and uncertainty but overall excellent news.

Amazingly I feel pretty awesome. Suddenly my life feels full and bright and happy. Isn't it funny how the mind works?

I am truly relieved for Grace. She is one tough girl and I am so happy for her.

The Grass is Always Greener

Every so often I start to long for work outside of the home. I get overwhelmed with being a stay-at-home mom. I picture myself sitting in my office at work, reading email, and attending meetings with no one pulling on my leg or climbing up in my lap. I dream of going out to lunch or picking up a fancy coffee on the way to work. I see myself chatting with other adults at the coffeemaker about last night's episode of Modern Family. "Oh that Cam, he sure is funny."

This is of course fantasy. In my daydream there are no calls to pick up my sick children from childcare, no mad dash out of the house to get everyone where they are supposed to be on time, and no before or after work where chores must be done and children must be fed and loved. It is just the perfect version of the grass being greener.

In realty I love being a stay-at-home mom. I love that we can stay in our pajamas until whenever we want and I get to soak up this fleeting time with my kids. It worked out well that I chose to quit work and be a full-time mom. It works for my family at this time. I would be lying if I didn't tell you that this is not how I pictured my life. My pre-baby self would never have chosen to stay home. I loved working. It always felt a little like playing office and I thought it was fun to work. I would also be lying if I didn't tell you that I miss it terribly.

Many of the moms I know that stay home knew they would stop working once the baby arrived. I however did not quit work until the day I was due back at the office (yes, I know this means no one will ever hire me again). Exhaustion and a undiagnosed health issue left me in a place where the idea of going back to work seemed impossible. Having a baby knocked me on my tail. I struggled with it and did not handle being a new mother well. I think I needed to be in the trenches 24/7 in order to find my way as a mom.

The last few weeks at our house include teething and colds. Nothing major, just lots of whining and adjustment. Looking in from the outside you may think the little things that make me grumpy are adorable. Last week I threw out a few old cupcakes and two minutes before we had to walk out the door I found Jack covered in pink frosting eating the cupcakes out of the garbage. Or this picture where Jack put "medicine"(diaper creme) on Grace's face.

Or this one where the kids thought it was hilarious to pull all of the tissues out of the box and throw them down the basement steps.

Or yesterday where Jack had a sneezing fit and after a few moments a sticker came out of his nose. He apparently stuck it up there the day before. All of these little things drive the type A side of my personality up the wall.

But then there are moments like these. Jack is helping put away dishes and Grace is helping with the laundry. 

Grace crawled in the dryer by herself while I snapped pictures of Jack. 

These guys keep me on my toes but I love it. They make my life full and happy. I know that the grass will always seem greener on the other side but the grass on my side is pretty darn green too.