5 Marriage Lessons

This week Christian and I celebrate our ninth wedding anniversary. We were married on the first day of spring. For me spring always represents a time of renewal.

I am by no means a marriage expert but I have learned a few things over the last nine years and want to share my lessons with you.

1 - Marriage is work - Love stories usually end with the couple heading off into the sunset full of love and lust; however, real life does not work that way. Marriage is fun and good, but what our society doesn't emphasize is the level of work and commitment marriage takes. Two flawed humans joining up to share a life is bound to have some struggles. Marriage is the hardest relationship I have ever had. Partly this is because it is the most critical to my daily life and future. The only way a marriage can work in a healthy way is for both individuals to be dedicated to making that relationship a top priority and a willingness to do the hard work to stay together.

2 - Happiness comes from within - Another fallacy the world offers is the idea that we will meet our perfect mate and live happily ever after. Here is a lesson I learned the hard way. It is not your spouse's job to make you happy. Happiness can only come from within. No one else can make your life happy. Not a spouse, not children. Nothing external including the vices of shopping, eating, drinking or gossiping will ever fill you up. A marriage can be easily ruined if we are expecting our spouse to make us happy. Do the work as an individual to cultivate a happy heart and your marriage will be happier too.

3 - Do not finance a wedding - I would have been perfectly content to pay for a huge wedding on credit. Christian however would not have married me if I had financed our wedding. Instead we had a very modest celebration. Yet, I have zero regret about having a humble wedding. I am actually thankful that Christian had the wisdom to not allow me to dig a financial hole for a one day party. My advice to anyone would be to only have the wedding you can afford to pay for with cash. Again, the world tells us that we deserve a huge expensive wedding. I disagree. Do not add to the stress of marriage by starting with unnecessary debt.

4 - Learn to compromise - Living with another person and making the majority of decisions together is hard. It requires sacrifice and humbleness. Neither of these were strengths I brought into our marriage. I used to believe that compromise just meant that no one got their way. The years have taught me that compromise helps avoid resentments that can erode a marriage. As with anything in life, you have to pick your battles. Let go of things that are not truly important and put your ego on a shelf.

5 - Check yourself first - Give your partner grace. Don't assume that whatever problem or struggle you are facing is external. This is key for marriage but also works well with any relationship. Look to yourself first to see where you are falling short, failing, being selfish, stubborn or just plain mean. Marriage works best when each individual strives to be their best self. Don't blame your spouse. Instead, look at how you can change your heart, attitude or actions to create a culture of love and acceptance in your home and marriage.

Again, I am not a marriage expert, but I am happily married. This was not always the case. It has taken effort, compromise, forgiveness, and a decision to love my husband daily for our marriage to work.

I am happier now than I have ever been. Life is good, but it is not good from luck. It is good from a whole lot of dedication and hard work.

Triumphant Two

Grace celebrated her second birthday in January. Don't ask me why it has taken until March to write about it.

Gracie's second year was triumphant. Because of the hip dysplasia she struggled through during her first year, most of her big milestones occurred during her second year.

This year Grace learned to pull herself up, stand, walk, climb and run. She thoroughly explored her world. She discovered her brother's toys and spent the year following him around attempting to do everything she saw him try.

This year Grace's personality started to shine through. She enjoys sitting her room looking at books. She loves baby dolls and playing kitchen. Even when she plays with Jack's cars, trucks and trains; it is with a gentler touch.

Grace loves to talk and she has an extensive vocabulary for a two year old. Of course, I understand most of what she says, although I am not sure everyone does.

Gracie's favorite things are her binky, lovey and doll. She wants to carry them around constantly, and I usually let her.

Grace is a happy child and a sweet girl. We are enjoying this time with Grace as she transitions out of the baby stage and toward more independence.

We had a wonderful year with Grace and are grateful to watch her grow and develop.

Have a beautiful year sweet Gracie. We love you!

Love is Kind

It is Valentine's Day week. Everywhere I look I see hearts and cards. The world is selling love big time. I thought I would share what has been on my heart about love. 

I have been contemplating the Bible verses in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Whether or not you believe in God, I am sure you have heard these verses. 

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 

Wow! I have been meditating on these verses lately. Not because I am so loving and good. Not because I am giving out this kind of love. But these verses have been on my mind because when I read them recently something occurred to me. This is how I am supposed to love. And who do I love most? It isn't the other mothers at Jack's preschool who I would never speak to rudely. It isn't the the checkout girl at Target who is going super slow and yet I push down the anger. And while I am supposed to love my neighbors, it isn't with them that I struggle the most to demonstrate these verses. 

My greatest loves live right here in my house. And yet, I fail more often to love them the way 1 Corinthians commands. And so in continuing my theme of being mindful this year, I want to live 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 as I interact with my family. 

To be patient when my children are refusing to get dressed without a fuss. To be kind when they wake up at 6:00 a.m. and I still crave another hour of sleep. To not be jealous that my husband gets 20 minutes on the drive to and from work without another person in the car. To not boast about my accomplishments when I know my husband is having a struggle. To not be too proud to say I am sorry when I fail miserably at all of the above. 

To not be rude when I am asked for something I do not want to give. And the toughest by far, to not be easily angered when I am challenged in this job of mothering young children. To not bring up a long past resentment in a new argument. 

To not take pleasure in gossip or meanness. To honor what is right even when it is hard, oh so hard, to do. To take seriously my role as the heart of my home. To love fully with perseverance and grace. 

Because while we are called to love the world. We will love the world like we love in our home. And more importantly our children will love the world like they see us love. 

Mindful Mothering

Motherhood is the most important work I have encountered. The moment Jack was born and I saw the doctor holding his little blue body my heart stopped. It was only an instant before he screamed and turned a sweet shade of pink. Right then I knew my life had changed forever. 

Jack and Grace are now at ages where motherhood responsibilities have shifted. I do not have to spoon feed them and change diapers around the clock. Instead I have to watch my every step because they are watching me (and repeating every word that comes out of my mouth). 

This year I will be more mindful of my mothering. Here are a few areas I need to focus on.

Notice the good - As a mom I see all the imperfections. The dirty fingernails, the refusal to wear a coat when it is 27 degrees outside, the lack of vegetables eaten. However, I do not point out the good often enough. I have really well behaved children in public. They make me look good. They save all their naughty for home. Which is how I like it. But even then they really aren’t hard to manage. This year I will focus on verbalizing the good I see from them.  

Consistent Discipline - This is a hard one. Somedays I am just tired and would rather give in than stand firm and deal with the fit. This is lazy parenting at its finest. Even well behaved children are naughty sometimes. It is my job to provide consistent boundaries and consequences. This year I will be more mindful while managing my children’s behavior.

Set a positive example - Kids see and hear everything (unless you ask them to go potty or pick up their toys). I have a few bad habits. I sometimes say naughty words which my children repeat and then I blame on Christian. Also, I sometimes gossip. The point is, what I do my kids will do. This year I plan to behave better so that I set better examples for their little eyes and ears. 

Be grateful and generous - Raising grateful upper middle class white children is a challenge. The world is built for their success. Especially our sons. They are born with enormous privilege. But I believe those of us with the most have a responsibility to demonstrate our gratitude through generosity. Jack and Grace will learn this only if they see me practice it. I will be mindful of how I use our privilege to help those with less. 

Have fun - I only have 14 years with Jack and 16 years with Grace until they leave for college. That is so short! I don’t want to miss out on the fun. I can be a little uptight (I know you are all shocked). Often I choose to stay home in my comfort zone instead of going on adventures. My goal this year is to have a blast with my family. I want to let go of the control and just have fun. 

Being a mom is the best experience of my life. I love it! The work is hard and exhausting but it is so very sweet and rewarding. I hope to be a mindful mother not just this year but every day with Jack and Grace. They deserve it. 

Crying Over Spilled Milk

Yesterday I wrote a post about mindful mothering and the ways I want to incorporate it into my life this year. I was all ready to hit the "publish" button. Well life is funny. I was a horrible mother this morning. I haven't had a full week alone with my kids since the beginning of December. This week back to our normal schedule has left us all a little tired and grumpy.

This morning before we even left the house I yelled at my children. They were both fighting me about everything. Breakfast, going potty, putting on clothes. Finally I had Jack and Grace sitting at the bottom on the stairs ready to put on socks and shoes and they both started throwing a huge fit about it (about the fifth such fit of the morning). I screamed at them about how naughty they were being. Told them I had had enough and stormed up the stairs and locked myself in the bathroom. Classy! I know you are all quite impressed with my parenting.

Well it gets worse. We do get out of the house. I drop Jack at the community center and head to the library with Grace. As we are leaving the library Grace lays down in the aisle and cries. I just walked around the corner and ignored her. After a few stares from the other patrons I went over, picked her up and carried her kicking and screaming out of the library.

Finally we all make it home. In the course of making and eating lunch three glasses of milk are intentionally turned over, Cheerios are intentionally crushed all over the floor and my clean sheets are pulled out of the dryer and dragged through the spilled milk. I yelled at my children again, put them in time out for the one hundredth time this morning and sat in the kitchen floor sopping up milk and feeling like a complete parenting failure. Mindful's ass!

So Miss Mindful, not gonna eat out, be a good wife and mother this year...is sitting in the floor ready to throw in the towel. I want to call Christian and tell him to get home and tend to his unruly children. I want to not fix another meal or clean another dish. I really just want to go to the local Mexican restaurant and drink a tall margarita. Oh it is easy to be mindful on the good days. The fun days. The days where we kick the ball in the park and everyone laughs and smiles and has a fun. It is much harder not to cry over the spilled milk.

I may just go get the margarita but I am not going to call my husband, who is at a job that probably makes him feel like his soul is being crushed by the man, to complain about my shitty morning. I guess that is something. Right?

Maybe tomorrow I will share my sweet mindful mothering post. But for now I am going to eat chocolate and read a book while my children spend a little time in their rooms.