Where's My Peace?

Right now I am really struggling to find peace. This feeling comes in waves and right now I am getting pounded with feelings of worry, anxiety and doubt. I am not sure why my peace flows in and out like the tide. Many weeks I feel strong, capable and full of joy but then the darkness starts to creep in and I feel as if I am being pulled under by the overbearing current.

Last week we met with Gracie's surgeon. We didn't receive any new news. We are still using the brace full-time and waiting for the eight week timeframe to end. Her next appointment is October 4 when we find out if the right hip has fully corrected itself or if additional intervention is needed. If her hip is healed we move to wearing the brace for nights and naps only. If her hip shows improvement we may stick with the brace full-time for a few more months. If things are the same, Grace will likely have another surgery and be in a spica cast for six to 12 weeks.

Grace turns eight months old next week and has been in some type of brace, harness or cast since she was two months old. I want freedom and healing for her. Sometimes I cannot sleep worrying about a lack of healing and what this would mean for our sweet girl.

I know I have asked for a lot of prayer over the last six months but I am asking again. Please pray for Grace's healing, specifically for her right hip to have full healing by the October 4 appointment. And if you can spare a little extra prayer, please pray that I find peace during this time so that I am rested and mentally present as I mother my sweet babies.

Thanks again for the love and support!

Please Pass the Whine

Everyone has a vice. Some people smoke, others overeat, gossip, or bite their nails. Imperfection is part of being human and I accept this. What I do not accept is giving in to our vices. Shouldn't we try to change those things that are less than desirable about ourselves?

I have been struggling with one of my major vices this summer. It isn't that I am giving into it more. Really, I am just more annoyed at myself when this issue comes up. So what is my major vice? Whining and complaining. Whining is a truly awful behavior. Whining makes those around you have to share in your discontent. Also, I think whining demonstrates a lack of gratitude.

I am not sure where my habit of whining and complaining started. There is bound to be some root to this annoying behavior but for the life of me I cannot find the source. All I know is that I am all grown up now and it is time to stop it for goodness sake.

This year has been a tough one but because it has been challenging it has also created in me a greater sense of humbleness and gratitude. Life is hard sometimes. What this year has made me see is that when my life was virtually problem free I still always found something to complain about. It makes me embarrassed to look back at that and it makes me sad that it took my sweet child having a health issue to reflect on my poor behavior.

A bit about gratitude. I don't talk about this to make anyone (my parents) feel bad. However, I do come from humble beginnings. Money was always an issue and life was rife with challenges. I always believed that my hard work and determination lead me to an adulthood that was advantaged. Now I believe something different. I do think hard work and determination were part of it but I also see that I had many positive doors open that lead me down a path that resulted in a beautiful life. One of those major doors was my truly beautiful husband. He has taught me so much and provided an amazing life that I could not even have dreamed of as a child. He has forgiven my faults and loved me in spite of self-defeating tendencies. I have a safe home, everything I need and most of what I want. My life is so sweet.

My big lesson this summer is that whining in the face of such a blessed life is disrespectful. It is disrespectful to my husband, it is disrespectful to others who don't have so many blessing, but mostly it is disrespectful to myself. It gets in the way of living a life full of joy. It is disrespectful to me because my life could easily have turned out so much worse. I am grateful and I want my words and actions to reflect that. I want my mothering to reflect that. I want to raise grateful children.

Now for the hard part. Habits are hard to break! Awareness is the first step but changing behavior is a challenge. So here is my plan. Every time I whine or complain I am going to keep a tab (a distinguishing mark on my calendar). At the end of the week I am going to count up the marks and do something for penitence. My idea is that I will in some way give to someone in need. For example, send a note to lift someone's spirits, make a donation, give to charity, or volunteer. Maybe I will leave a sweet note for Christian or take coffee to one of my tired mommy friends. I will try and be creative but the hope is that this will bring awareness to the amount of complaining I do and help to stop it. Hopefully the good deeds will continue even if the behavior stops. Wish me luck!

Two of my favorite recipes

When I am feeling stressed I like to eat. Thankfully between nursing Grace and a thyroid that cannot regulate, I seem to not be gaining weight even though I eat like I linebacker. Now before you hate me for saying that you should also know that this means that I cannot sleep and am exhausted most of the time so don't be jealous, just be happy for me that I can eat my way through 2011's unending craziness.

I thought I would share two of my favorite recipes, Banana Chocolate Chip Muffins and Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies.

Banana Chocolate Chip Muffins - Provided by my neighbor and friend Pam VanDenburg

Ingredients:
1/2 cup sugar
1 1/2 cups whole wheat flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 cup butter melted
2 eggs
1/2 cup plain yogurt
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 ripe bananas mashed up
3/4 cup chocolate chips
3/4 cup "other stuff" - oats, nuts, seeds, raisins, dried cranberries, etc.

Mix the dry ingredients (sugar, flour, salt and baking soda) in one bowl. Mix the wet ingredients in a second bowl (butter, eggs, yogurt, vanilla and bananas). Combine the wet and dry ingredients. I always add a little milk to make it more moist, maybe 1/4 of a cup. Then fold in the chocolate chips and "other stuff".

Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes in a greased 12 cup muffin pan.

I let Jack mix the dry ingredients. He really loves helping out. Also, I grease the pan by putting Crisco on a paper towel and rubbing it in each muffin cup. This works every time. My favorite "other stuff" is 1/2 cup of oats and 1/4 cup of raisins. Jack eats these muffins well most of the time.

Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies - provide by my Mother-in-Law, Anne Wiggins (this is Christian's favorite cookie)

Cream Together:
1/2 cup shortening
1/2 cup softened butter
3/4 cup brown sugar
3/4 cup white sugar

Add and beat together:
2 eggs
1 1/2 cups white flour
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Add and stir:
2 cups rolled oats
1 cup chocolate chips

Bake at 350 degrees for 10 to 12 minutes

This is a favorite at our house. The only change I made from Anne's original recipe was to go from 1 cup of shortening to half shortening and half butter. I found another recipe that used all butter before I got Anne's recipe and all butter just made the cookies run together on the cookie sheet. I like adding a bit of butter because it gives a nice flavor. Play around and see what you prefer.

Hope you all enjoy the recipes. Happy eating!

A Big Question Mark

Today I am forcing myself to update our blog. I am in a space where I don't want to talk about it and I always want to talk about everything. This means I am not in so good a place.

Grace is out of her cast. Thankfully we are able to bath her and change her diaper and she loves life outside of the cast. Also, thankfully Grace's left hip (the one that was the worst to start with) is healed. The hip looks great and should not have any additional issues.

However, Grace's right hip is not healed. We are devastated. This week we met with Grace's surgeon and the hip is not set as well as she would like. Apparently there is something in the joint, maybe tissue, maybe something else. No one really seems to know what the specific issue with her hip is, but they do know it is not like it should be. This means Grace will spend 8 weeks full-time in a brace. Thankfully after a week she has adjusted to the brace and seems comfortable. After the 8 weeks we will see if she has grown and her hip has corrected itself. If not, we may be looking at an open reduction which is a much more complex surgery. Also, this means she would likely spend 6 to 12 weeks back in a spica cast.

To say that I am heartbroken is an understatement. But, the reality is that this is not about me. It is about Grace. Grace is a very special child. She has a sweetness about her that I have never possessed. She is gentle and patient and tough. She is an amazing person. I can see that already. I worry however that putting her through this challenge with her hips may change that sweet innocence. I worry that experiencing vast physical pain due to additional surgeries will destroy her gentle spirit. I do not want Grace's childhood defined by pain, casts, and physical limitations.

Right now we just wait. We wait for 6 more weeks of brace time. I will keep you updated on our sweet girl's progress. Please continue to pray for her healing and that our family is fortified throughout this time.

Six Months

July has been a long, hot month! An update on us: Grace turned six months old, her cast comes off August 9th (hallelujah!) and the rest of us are just waiting for that date to get here.

I thought I would do a little recap of our last six months and its highs and lows. Let's start with the lows so that we can finish on a high note.

The Lows:
- Jack got the worst stomach flu two weeks after Grace is born. This broke my heart but thankfully my mother-in-law was in town to help. Then of course Christian and I got the same virus.
- Grace was diagnosed with hip dysplasia. The harness did not work to treat Grace's hips. Grace had surgery and spent six weeks in a cast. Grace had another surgery and we are now at week four in that cast. Yes, a total of 10 weeks down with 2 more to go.
- Our dog died. Twelve and a half year old Radley broke his hip and we found out he had bone cancer. We miss Radley.
- Our grill caught fire. The firemen arrived to put out the fire and afterward said, "We don't know how your house did not burn down." The hand of God is my only answer. A little side note here. During this time a lot of people have told me that God would not give us more than we can handle. I really believe in the grill fire moment God knew that my house burning down would have been just a bit too much for me to handle. Thank you God. I am always grateful for our lovely home but now I am especially so.
- Postpartum Thyroiditis. I developed this after birthing Jack. With Jack my thyroid was slow and after nine months of feeling awful I was able to use medication to regulate my thyroid. After Grace my thyroid was fast until about a month ago. This meant that I spent about five months being crazy. Seriously crazy. I could not sleep. I was starving all the time. I could not stop losing weight. And I had out of control anxiety during an already anxious time. Thankfully this time has passed.

The Highs:
- We had Grace. My sweet girl and one of the few loves of my life. My heart is so full with the love I feel for my little family.
- Christian got a promotion.
- Christian's mom, my mom and my brother all came out to spend a week with us. They all came at separate times so we had three full weeks of help.
- Jack started going poopy on the potty. Unless you have had a child this one will be lost on you.
- Grace gets out of her cast in two weeks. At the cast change her hips looked like they were on the path to healing. I believe Grace is healed. Something in my heart over the last few weeks changed and I feel that she is already healed. I can't explain it; I just feel it. My rational brain still tells me to brace myself for bad news but I feel peace about her hips.
- We are so blessed. So much of our life is easy and full and privileged.
- We have been surrounded with prayer and love during this time.

For full disclosure I must say that this has been one of the hardest times of my life. Most days I am strong but some days I am oh so weak. This has been a time of extreme stress and exhaustion. However, I feel blessed with growth over the last few months. I have changed; my heart has changed. I see my world differently. I say this with total humbleness but I think I am a better person than I was a few months ago. I am more grateful and see my blessing much more clearly now.

What a crazy, busy, hard but wonderful life. Happy six months sweet Grace. We are so happy to have you here!