Bubbles

Spring arrived! Last week Colorado had warm weather for the first time since October and I decided we needed new outdoor supplies. Sidewalk chalk, sand toys and of course BUBBLES. Gracie loves to say the word bubbles and Jack loves to blow bubbles.

Happy Spring! 

Hip Hip Hooray

Last night laying in bed I had a moment of awareness. Over the last few weeks I walked around in a off-putting mood. Yesterday I analyzed, meditated, studied myself. Where is this dark energy rising up from? Where is the source of my discontent?

When I find myself in such a state I tend to beat myself up. "Look around your life silly girl. You have everything you ever wanted. Don't be fretting," I tell myself.

As I dug into my mind, my heart, my darkness; the source rose. Insecurity. What a nasty word. What a nasty way to feel. What a harsh happiness thief.

My insecurity was rooted in the doctor's appointment scheduled for Grace. After three months of wellness we were scheduled for x-rays and an updated prognosis. What if all is not well? Does having everything you ever wanted really count if your child is not well? The answer that I could have never guessed until I became a mom is no.

The often unnoticed terror of insecurity is the seeping within to become all consuming. Suddenly I find myself concerned that strangers I meet for the first time find me offensive. I worry that my house is too dirty or not decorated well enough. I worry that my thighs should be smaller or my children are not well enough behaved. The insecurity slowly creeps around my life, my psyche, until I am swollen with discontent.

For me, the best cure for insecurity is awareness. Once labeled it dissipates. If I can own that my feelings are irrational then I can begin to work through that which really troubles me. In this case I just had to get through a doctor's appointment and accept that I would ultimately be okay regardless of the outcome. The big awareness being that this is really about Grace and not about me.

Today Grace and I went to the orthopedic surgeon and all is well. After one year of being in some sort of device, Grace went to bed tonight without her brace on. Hip Hip Hooray! Her hips look good. No more brace for now. We return in four months for another look. Our next milestone is to see how/if/when she walks and the impact the added pressure of walking will apply to her hips. A little more waiting and uncertainty but overall excellent news.

Amazingly I feel pretty awesome. Suddenly my life feels full and bright and happy. Isn't it funny how the mind works?

I am truly relieved for Grace. She is one tough girl and I am so happy for her.

The Grass is Always Greener

Every so often I start to long for work outside of the home. I get overwhelmed with being a stay-at-home mom. I picture myself sitting in my office at work, reading email, and attending meetings with no one pulling on my leg or climbing up in my lap. I dream of going out to lunch or picking up a fancy coffee on the way to work. I see myself chatting with other adults at the coffeemaker about last night's episode of Modern Family. "Oh that Cam, he sure is funny."

This is of course fantasy. In my daydream there are no calls to pick up my sick children from childcare, no mad dash out of the house to get everyone where they are supposed to be on time, and no before or after work where chores must be done and children must be fed and loved. It is just the perfect version of the grass being greener.

In realty I love being a stay-at-home mom. I love that we can stay in our pajamas until whenever we want and I get to soak up this fleeting time with my kids. It worked out well that I chose to quit work and be a full-time mom. It works for my family at this time. I would be lying if I didn't tell you that this is not how I pictured my life. My pre-baby self would never have chosen to stay home. I loved working. It always felt a little like playing office and I thought it was fun to work. I would also be lying if I didn't tell you that I miss it terribly.

Many of the moms I know that stay home knew they would stop working once the baby arrived. I however did not quit work until the day I was due back at the office (yes, I know this means no one will ever hire me again). Exhaustion and a undiagnosed health issue left me in a place where the idea of going back to work seemed impossible. Having a baby knocked me on my tail. I struggled with it and did not handle being a new mother well. I think I needed to be in the trenches 24/7 in order to find my way as a mom.

The last few weeks at our house include teething and colds. Nothing major, just lots of whining and adjustment. Looking in from the outside you may think the little things that make me grumpy are adorable. Last week I threw out a few old cupcakes and two minutes before we had to walk out the door I found Jack covered in pink frosting eating the cupcakes out of the garbage. Or this picture where Jack put "medicine"(diaper creme) on Grace's face.

Or this one where the kids thought it was hilarious to pull all of the tissues out of the box and throw them down the basement steps.

Or yesterday where Jack had a sneezing fit and after a few moments a sticker came out of his nose. He apparently stuck it up there the day before. All of these little things drive the type A side of my personality up the wall.

But then there are moments like these. Jack is helping put away dishes and Grace is helping with the laundry. 

Grace crawled in the dryer by herself while I snapped pictures of Jack. 

These guys keep me on my toes but I love it. They make my life full and happy. I know that the grass will always seem greener on the other side but the grass on my side is pretty darn green too.