Last night laying in bed I had a moment of awareness. Over the last few weeks I walked around in a off-putting mood. Yesterday I analyzed, meditated, studied myself. Where is this dark energy rising up from? Where is the source of my discontent?
When I find myself in such a state I tend to beat myself up. "Look around your life silly girl. You have everything you ever wanted. Don't be fretting," I tell myself.
As I dug into my mind, my heart, my darkness; the source rose. Insecurity. What a nasty word. What a nasty way to feel. What a harsh happiness thief.
My insecurity was rooted in the doctor's appointment scheduled for Grace. After three months of wellness we were scheduled for x-rays and an updated prognosis. What if all is not well? Does having everything you ever wanted really count if your child is not well? The answer that I could have never guessed until I became a mom is no.
The often unnoticed terror of insecurity is the seeping within to become all consuming. Suddenly I find myself concerned that strangers I meet for the first time find me offensive. I worry that my house is too dirty or not decorated well enough. I worry that my thighs should be smaller or my children are not well enough behaved. The insecurity slowly creeps around my life, my psyche, until I am swollen with discontent.
For me, the best cure for insecurity is awareness. Once labeled it dissipates. If I can own that my feelings are irrational then I can begin to work through that which really troubles me. In this case I just had to get through a doctor's appointment and accept that I would ultimately be okay regardless of the outcome. The big awareness being that this is really about Grace and not about me.
Today Grace and I went to the orthopedic surgeon and all is well. After one year of being in some sort of device, Grace went to bed tonight without her brace on. Hip Hip Hooray! Her hips look good. No more brace for now. We return in four months for another look. Our next milestone is to see how/if/when she walks and the impact the added pressure of walking will apply to her hips. A little more waiting and uncertainty but overall excellent news.
Amazingly I feel pretty awesome. Suddenly my life feels full and bright and happy. Isn't it funny how the mind works?
I am truly relieved for Grace. She is one tough girl and I am so happy for her.